OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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