I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
