please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
