I have demons in me.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
