the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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