New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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