I accidentally had phone sex last night
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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