I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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