She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
