I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
