All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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