Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
