I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
