wrigley field is MILF paradise
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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