I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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