I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
