every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
