you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
