my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
