She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I am never drinking with the goths again.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
