I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
