Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
