You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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