I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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