I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
