I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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