My first STD was from a foam party
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
