So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
