i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
