just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
