Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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