you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
