I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
