we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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