I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
and you fell through a lawn chair
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
