You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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