I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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