I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Randomize
