How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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