I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
