Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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