farters have to be the big spoon...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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