Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
