He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
