Whod you bang
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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