I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
