I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize