I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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