you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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