My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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