Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
