she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
