I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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