I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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