Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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