I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
