She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
