the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
