you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
