cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
