I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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