dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
