Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
