My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
