Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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