i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
