Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
