her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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