I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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